Red Rover, Red Rover...

Do you remember the first time you played Red Rover as a kid? You went running outside, reveling in your freedom from the classroom, when in a rare moment of solidarity all the kids decide to get together to create the human fence and try to prevent members of the other team that you called over from breaking through. It was always such a thrill to see them huddle up and think of who would be the next person to come up against their fortress of linked arms. They'd link back up and the chant began, "RED ROVER, RED ROVER, SEND *Enter Name* RIGHT OVER!" Oh and when they said your name, your heart skipped with excitement. For me, I knew their motive. It may have been a little twisted to think this way as a kid, but I looked at all the possibilities. I knew better than to think that their choice of having me come right ever was less about any popularity I could have acquired and more about my weakness. I was an easy target. I was always a skinny little stick figure kid, not a lot of strength on me that could break through a wall of people. So while everyone else thought, "Yay! They want me!", I thought "They think I can't do it...Bet me." I adored the challenge of sizing up my competition, looking for just the right link to break through, and going for it. While most of the time my 65 lb (soaking wet) body didn't make it through the locked muscles of my opponent, on occasion I would surprise the whole lot of them and burst right through. Hurling myself forward as fast and heavy as I could muster and feeling that satisfaction in knowing that I had beat them at their own game. They thought I was weak. They though I wouldn't make it. They thought that there was no way that little body could break through any barrier they put up against me. They thought that they could intimidate me by being this unified force field. Now, I wonder if Red Rover has ever met it's twin, desensitization.

It's essentially the same concept. You wait and wait for the right moment to tackle the fear, you look for it's weakest points first, and when it's finally your turn to try to break through it you have to muster up all the strength that your little body can find. Sometimes you'll break through effortlessly, sometimes it'll be tougher, and sometimes it'll catch you and throw you backwards. Sometimes the idea of tackling it will seems exciting, and the second you start running it'll be terrifying. But no matter what, it'll make you feel like a small child again.

It half kills you start. I know for me I had to go through the stages of grief. Isolation obviously, but denial lasted the longest. How does 19 years of social experience vanish in a matter of weeks? And how do you get it back after it seems gone forever? You would never dream that something, of which you hadn't even realized that you'd acquired, could be taken from you and that it being gone would have such a devastating impact on your life.

If you have read any of the previous posts in this blog, then you know that I became agoraphobic at the age of 19, which is also the same age I quit taking all medications for my anxiety. You would also know that I started EFT therapy and have been working on desensitization continuously since last year. In my last update on this, I was working from home and had a friend over a couple of times, both of which were great glimmers of hope. Let's talk about since then....

Since my last update A LOT has happened. First, I started seeing someone. I reconnected with a guy that I met in passing long ago and we began talking everyday, first through Facebook, then daily phone calls, then Skype. I found him to be so understanding of my situation that it was shocking. He looked at the silver linings of my situation (who knew there was any). He saw that it made me stronger and liked me more for my determination to get better. I couldn't have asked for anything more. It was the beginning of July when we decided it was time to be around each other in person, so on the 4th of July, we had our first "date" (my first date in 5 years). He came to my house where we sat out in the backyard, watched some fireworks, and had a bonfire. This was a HUGE deal for me and an even bigger deal when I found myself to be so calm. Calm. It wasn't a word or a feeling that I expected to feel when this moment came. I know every agoraphobic is different but for me having anyone over was a huge deal as it is, but someone who was specifically here to see me, and someone I like romantically?! I was amazed at how easy being around him was. I had not felt this much like myself in years. While him and I have decided not to be together for the time being, it was still amazing to get to have that again. It also led to me being able to have more people over again, including family that I hadn't seen in so long.

I've also been getting out much more. It's shocking to think that it was just last year when I was having a hard time driving around the block, even with a "safe" person with me. Now, my safe person and I drive 30 minutes away to the city, I am able to calmly drive through most traffic and traffic lights (used to be a trigger for me), and am now going into stores again! I have now been in about 12 different stores (some more than once), getting more and more comfortable as I go in them. Last week, my mother and I spent 45 minutes in a store that I hadn't been in in years, which is a huge deal, and I actually enjoyed it. Now don't get me wrong. This process has been met with bumps in the road. At one point when driving in the city, I panicked while sitting at a stop light in busy intersection, and it deterred me from driving through traffic lights for a long while. I had to build back up to that again. I also had a bad experience at one trip to a store. I had went in a different store the day before and was so confident at the experience I had, that I went all the way to the back of the store, pretty far away from the exit. When I was feeling anxious and wanted to move back towards the front, my safe person tried to distract me and keeping looking at what she was looking at, but it only got worse. After that, I was very cautious about staying close to the door, which made for not so fun trips. More recently I have been getting comfortable with moving away from the door and exploring more of the stores. I even went into the mall the other day which was great, it had been so long since I'd even tried that. Sure, we look like we're going to steal something the way we meander around the stores like two lost sheep, but little does anyone else know, I'm practicing. That innate social part of me has to be taught how to react again. When I try to explain to someone what this is like I say that in the moment, desensitizing is like training for the mental Olympics, and boy is it exhausting. But, the bigger picture looks more like these grown adults who get brain injuries and forget how to walk, and have to learn all over again. It's something so basic, an innate ability, that has to be learned again in adulthood, when you really don't remember how you learned it in the first place. And you have to be the one to start the fight. I started with driving around the block and built it up day by day until I was actually among the public again, and it feels amazing, yes exhausting, but amazing.

So I suppose the old recess game held more meaning than we ever knew. It taught us more about life than we thought, or at least it did for me. It taught that you have to see your target, get excited, and run like hell. When you get pushed back, you learn from it, get back up and run again. When you make it through, well...you learn from it and do it again. You keep breaking through until you've beat it all. You keep running towards this scary idea, knowing that it looks like you could get pushed down, but knowing that you have all the strength you need to make it. I still have a long way to go. I have to learn to do everything I've learned so far again, but this time alone. I have to get to the point where none of this is practice anymore. I still have a lot of fight. And every time the fear starts, "RED ROVER, RED ROVER..." It will have no idea what's coming to it.