Are You Looking At Me?!

My mom is a snoop. :) Well, that's what I call her anyway, just jokingly of course. Really, she's a people watcher. She likes to know what's going on in her neighborhood, keep a watchful eye, and definitely doesn't like to be snuck up on. We spend a lot of time in our living room which has two big windows facing our street. We're tucked away in a cozy subdivision with houses around and not much traffic at all. However, if a car goes by slower than normal, my mom knows about it, she senses it! She'll lean forward in her seat, crane her neck to look outside and see what way they're going or if they're pulling in our driveway. If someone walks past, she goes to the window and looks out the blinds. She doesn't do this in a true "creeper" way, not to be scary or anything. In fact there have been a couple of times she has noticed something or someone amiss, and has informed people or gotten help. It's not constant or all day, she just happens to notice things when she glances out the window, or while sitting in the living room. My mom simply likes to know what's going on, where people are going, and she definitely doesn't like anyone to come to the door without her knowing (the "house has to be clean" and "makeup has to be on" type of woman). Like I said, she's a people watcher.

I think this is where part of my paranoia in my exposure therapy comes from. When I get up in the morning and think about how I'm going to make a change to better myself today, I think about getting out of the house, going for a drive, or a walk. Then I look around at the neighborhood. Who's home? Who's outside? Who could be watching me? Judging me for my short drive down the street and back and wondering why I do this and what could possibly be wrong with me? Any normal person could do something like this and not think twice about it. Why would anyone be watching me? I'm not that important. People have better things to do. Plus, who cares if they see me, or what they think. Bottom line, who goes to the window, watches someone go by, and wonders what they're doing?

My mother. That's who.

Even though I rationally know that the larger majority of people are too busy and just don't care or notice what others are doing, what I've always seen is that my mother does. I guess I just kind of figure that if she makes it a point to know who's walking by and if people came home late, then other people must do the same.

In an effort to be able to expose myself to being away from my home and to do so alone, I've been taking short walks. I usually bring my puppy Benny, and try to walk him down to the neighbors mailbox, and then back past my house to the next neighbors mailbox. So basically I take this walk that spans only three yards. The plan in my mind was to start this and go a little farther each time, but my fear of getting farther away and having a panic attack paired with my paranoia that people are watching me do this, has hindered that plan. It's also what has kept me from trying to go for drives again. When I started going for drives last year, it took one time around the block and from then on I was going farther everyday with little to no fear. I didn't wonder if people were watching me when I was actually making it off my street before turning around. But here I am again, needing somewhere to start, and I really want to just go the next driveway, or down the street and turn around at first, but I wonder if people are watching and if they think I'm crazy for taking a drive down the street.

I've never been a person who really cared what anyone thought of me or what I was doing, but agoraphobia has changed that a bit. I don't want people to think I'm crazy or silly for the small ventures in my exposures, but I also can't use that as an excuse anymore.

I guess my best bet is to just walk a little farther and to get in the car and drive down the street and back just the way I want, watchers and judgments be darned. Besides, the one person who would even be watching, will probably be in the passenger seat. My mom, what a snoop. :)

Groundhog Day

Ahhh the joys of summer. I can't even begin to describe how much easier and pleasant life became when the mercury hit 70 degrees and stayed above that number. My family affectionately refers to me as the "lizard" because I just love sitting in the heat and sun and soaking it all up.

Of course, as an agoraphobic, summer can be a bit of a downer as well. While everyone is out having fun, sharing vacation photos, going to the pool, heck, even just going for walks, I am confined to my yard and house, watching as it seems like everyone else is having the time of their lives. It's extra frustrating when thinking back on what summers used to mean for me. For the larger majority of my life they meant staying outside from morning to night, swimming in the pool, being with friends, going for long drives, taking road trips with the family to nearby cities, playing softball, etc. It always meant barbecues and fireworks, Old Settler's picnics and family reunions, baseball and boys, windows down and a/c up, celebration and freedom.

Instead, I now live "Groundhog Day". Remember that movie? The one where Bill Murray gets caught in a time loop, living Groundhog Day over and over again. Well, call me Phil and color me crazy, because I'm in that time loop, only time's not waiting for me. Every day, more or less the same. I get up, work out, eat breakfast, get ready, and basically putter the day away as if I'm standing around waiting for a bus. I know, I know, what a pity party. No, I don't think this is horrible. I know for a fact my days could be spent much worse, they have been. I get a lot done most days, between the dishes, laundry, mowing, etc. Yes, all the chores get done, but where's the fun? Where's the heart of summer? Where's the life?

It's not completely hopeless. I get up everyday with the hope that today will be different. I'll try a little harder, I'll make it a point to get out, go for a drive, and take the first step to getting my summer and my life back. And then, time passes, the day passes, and before you know it it's eleven o'clock at night. There I am, puzzled as to where the day went, as if I spent all that get up and go in a revolving door for 12 hours. "Where did my initial drive for change go from this morning to now? Why didn't I get out? Why didn't I drive? Excuses? What excuses? It was vital that I spend two hours falling into a Youtube rabbit hole this evening pretending my problems don't exist. How could I have possibly skipped that and insisted someone go for a drive with me? Sigh. How am I ever going to get better? I'll do better tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow. I'll do better, I promise. " Morning comes. Groundhog Day...again.

The whole thing is ridiculous primarily because...I know how it works! I know that if I just get my butt in the car and go for a drive, even just around the block, it will spark a downhill spiral into more exposure therapy. The first step is always the hardest. I know this. I've done it before. I've seen it work! Why can't I convince myself to just jump in with both feet and do what I have to to get better, because this is no way to live. Everyday the same. Everyday ending in upset and defeat. Maybe I'll do better tomorrow, you know, on Groundhog Day.