Ahhh the joys of summer. I can't even begin to describe how much easier and pleasant life became when the mercury hit 70 degrees and stayed above that number. My family affectionately refers to me as the "lizard" because I just love sitting in the heat and sun and soaking it all up.
Of course, as an agoraphobic, summer can be a bit of a downer as well. While everyone is out having fun, sharing vacation photos, going to the pool, heck, even just going for walks, I am confined to my yard and house, watching as it seems like everyone else is having the time of their lives. It's extra frustrating when thinking back on what summers used to mean for me. For the larger majority of my life they meant staying outside from morning to night, swimming in the pool, being with friends, going for long drives, taking road trips with the family to nearby cities, playing softball, etc. It always meant barbecues and fireworks, Old Settler's picnics and family reunions, baseball and boys, windows down and a/c up, celebration and freedom.
Instead, I now live "Groundhog Day". Remember that movie? The one where Bill Murray gets caught in a time loop, living Groundhog Day over and over again. Well, call me Phil and color me crazy, because I'm in that time loop, only time's not waiting for me. Every day, more or less the same. I get up, work out, eat breakfast, get ready, and basically putter the day away as if I'm standing around waiting for a bus. I know, I know, what a pity party. No, I don't think this is horrible. I know for a fact my days could be spent much worse, they have been. I get a lot done most days, between the dishes, laundry, mowing, etc. Yes, all the chores get done, but where's the fun? Where's the heart of summer? Where's the life?
It's not completely hopeless. I get up everyday with the hope that today will be different. I'll try a little harder, I'll make it a point to get out, go for a drive, and take the first step to getting my summer and my life back. And then, time passes, the day passes, and before you know it it's eleven o'clock at night. There I am, puzzled as to where the day went, as if I spent all that get up and go in a revolving door for 12 hours. "Where did my initial drive for change go from this morning to now? Why didn't I get out? Why didn't I drive? Excuses? What excuses? It was vital that I spend two hours falling into a Youtube rabbit hole this evening pretending my problems don't exist. How could I have possibly skipped that and insisted someone go for a drive with me? Sigh. How am I ever going to get better? I'll do better tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow. I'll do better, I promise. " Morning comes. Groundhog Day...again.
The whole thing is ridiculous primarily because...I know how it works! I know that if I just get my butt in the car and go for a drive, even just around the block, it will spark a downhill spiral into more exposure therapy. The first step is always the hardest. I know this. I've done it before. I've seen it work! Why can't I convince myself to just jump in with both feet and do what I have to to get better, because this is no way to live. Everyday the same. Everyday ending in upset and defeat. Maybe I'll do better tomorrow, you know, on Groundhog Day.
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