My mom is a snoop. :) Well, that's what I call her anyway, just jokingly of course. Really, she's a people watcher. She likes to know what's going on in her neighborhood, keep a watchful eye, and definitely doesn't like to be snuck up on. We spend a lot of time in our living room which has two big windows facing our street. We're tucked away in a cozy subdivision with houses around and not much traffic at all. However, if a car goes by slower than normal, my mom knows about it, she senses it! She'll lean forward in her seat, crane her neck to look outside and see what way they're going or if they're pulling in our driveway. If someone walks past, she goes to the window and looks out the blinds. She doesn't do this in a true "creeper" way, not to be scary or anything. In fact there have been a couple of times she has noticed something or someone amiss, and has informed people or gotten help. It's not constant or all day, she just happens to notice things when she glances out the window, or while sitting in the living room. My mom simply likes to know what's going on, where people are going, and she definitely doesn't like anyone to come to the door without her knowing (the "house has to be clean" and "makeup has to be on" type of woman). Like I said, she's a people watcher.
I think this is where part of my paranoia in my exposure therapy comes from. When I get up in the morning and think about how I'm going to make a change to better myself today, I think about getting out of the house, going for a drive, or a walk. Then I look around at the neighborhood. Who's home? Who's outside? Who could be watching me? Judging me for my short drive down the street and back and wondering why I do this and what could possibly be wrong with me? Any normal person could do something like this and not think twice about it. Why would anyone be watching me? I'm not that important. People have better things to do. Plus, who cares if they see me, or what they think. Bottom line, who goes to the window, watches someone go by, and wonders what they're doing?
My mother. That's who.
Even though I rationally know that the larger majority of people are too busy and just don't care or notice what others are doing, what I've always seen is that my mother does. I guess I just kind of figure that if she makes it a point to know who's walking by and if people came home late, then other people must do the same.
In an effort to be able to expose myself to being away from my home and to do so alone, I've been taking short walks. I usually bring my puppy Benny, and try to walk him down to the neighbors mailbox, and then back past my house to the next neighbors mailbox. So basically I take this walk that spans only three yards. The plan in my mind was to start this and go a little farther each time, but my fear of getting farther away and having a panic attack paired with my paranoia that people are watching me do this, has hindered that plan. It's also what has kept me from trying to go for drives again. When I started going for drives last year, it took one time around the block and from then on I was going farther everyday with little to no fear. I didn't wonder if people were watching me when I was actually making it off my street before turning around. But here I am again, needing somewhere to start, and I really want to just go the next driveway, or down the street and turn around at first, but I wonder if people are watching and if they think I'm crazy for taking a drive down the street.
I've never been a person who really cared what anyone thought of me or what I was doing, but agoraphobia has changed that a bit. I don't want people to think I'm crazy or silly for the small ventures in my exposures, but I also can't use that as an excuse anymore.
I guess my best bet is to just walk a little farther and to get in the car and drive down the street and back just the way I want, watchers and judgments be darned. Besides, the one person who would even be watching, will probably be in the passenger seat. My mom, what a snoop. :)
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